I'm Sorry Karen!

Wowzers a little post on instagram about things people say that PISS ME OFF as a parent to neurodivergent kids has been off the charts with the threads comments.

We are not alone with the crazy comments so I wanted to do an episode reading some of them. They are INSANE. 

Also if you're name is called Karen, apologies!

Please download, subscribe, rate and review the pod, it really helps. with my rankings! 

Love ya Bye

Jessie x

SMGB Business Academy
Learn how to build a profitable business from scratch - No experience needed!

Nesti Pod
Recommended by Sleep Therapists & Occupational Therapists Use: JESSIE10 for discount at checkout!

Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back. I am your host, Jesse Towns, and this is the podcast Keeping Shit Real. Welcome everybody, how are we? Thank you for listening in again. I am gonna say this straight away. I'm sitting in a fucking hotel room in Manchester by myself. I am going to the TES SEN Show tomorrow to do some chats, meet people across the education sector to really, really push about PDA. But this week's pod has got nothing to do about that. But I just wanted to say for those of you that may or may not have seen my post that I just posted randomly, a carousel post on Instagram, that has ended up going beyond viral. Now I never expected it to go this viral if I'm being perfectly honest with you. However, what I do want to say is first, if you haven't seen the post, the post is titled Things That Proper Piss Me Off. Things, sorry, that people say that proper piss me off as a parent to neurodivergent kids. Now, I've then reeled off about eight or nine slides of things that people have said to me over the years that just fucking get on my nerves. Do you know what I mean? I don't know if people just don't know what to say. But I did use the terminology Karen quite a lot. And I'm just gonna straight up and say this. Like I'm really I've had quite a few DMs from people. Call Karen saying that can why did I have to use the terminology Karen? And my name's Karen, and it's really upsetting. And I just want to say, if I caused you any harm or you pissed off me, I am sorry. All right. That's an error on my part. But yeah, let's get into this. So if your name's Karen, you're not a Karen, and I'm sorry, Karen. So this reel, I then asked people when I posted this reel, saying, ask, you know, sort of just saying things that people have said to me over the past that really pissed me off as a parent to neurodivergent kids. I don't think I actually imagined for it to go this mental. Now, currently, I'm just sat here looking at my phone. Currently, it's got 19,000 likes. I mean, this is insane. 3,000 comments, and has been shared five and a half thousand times. But I wanted to, a lot of people were saying in the comments threads that they just felt really accepted that it's just not them that feels that like you know, people say fucking stupid things to you. But I just wanted to go through just to like make you feel even better about yourself. That some of these comments, I mean, there's a few comments. So the comments that I had put on the carousel that pissed me off is when people say we're all a bit on the spectrum. No, we're fucking not. We're not all a little bit on the spectrum. Like that is probably that is probably my biggest one that really just gets on my wick. Closely followed by how are you going to prepare them for when they're an adult? Well, you know, like every other parent does. Acceptance, love, support, and understanding because hey, we're parents, this is what we do to our kids. There's so many autistic kids nowadays. Well, again, there's not. Diagnosis and interventions are so much better than they were like 30, 40 years ago. We know that statistically. We're not where we should probably should be, but we're a damn sight bet. Also, I wouldn't let my kids do that. I mean, yeah, I wouldn't probably let my kids do that, but I fucking do because they're my kids and it's nothing to do with you, so go away. How can you eat with the TV on? Well, because it stops the wall kicking off, that's why. But my all-time favourite one, can't they just go to sleep by themselves? Well, hello. If they could, I wouldn't be fucking about for hours on end, would I, if they could? And also the one that really does get on my tits is when people like with that with their head tilted say, Oh, it must be so hard. Yeah, it is, thanks. Cheers for fucking asking. Followed by maybe you could ask for some extra help. Well, like I've never thought of that. So they was that was the post that I posted on the carousel on Instagram. Now the comments section, like I said, is over 3,000 comments, but some of the comments I was like, who the fuck in their right mind just says this stuff? And I'm gonna read a couple out. Well, actually, the whole of this podcast episode is gonna be all about this comment section because I was really, really shocked and surprised at this comment section that there was a part of me that thought, fucking hell, like are people making stuff up? Are they just commenting stuff? One post, what a beautiful son you've got, what a shame. I mean, who's I mean, honestly, that is wild. My one of my favourites from Sophie, my girl like Sophie Cobden, here's a leaflet. I mean, what is that about? Why is it when you get an autism diagnosis or an ADHD diagnosis, you're not really signposted to anything apart from here's a few hyperlinks or here's a paper leaflet? Absolutely not helpful. From braid maidens, she's not autistic, you're too nice to those kids. I mean, wow, mate, imagine saying that to somebody. And another one that you know a lot of people have commented on is from Kate from Nurtured Junior Kids, but he's so bright, you know, like the expectation that because your kids are autistic, they can't be bright, and that you know, just implying that children that are autistic can't be intelligent is wild. Uh my one of my all-time biggest ones from my OG Maria in the PDA parent circle. We've tried to use the zones of regulation. Yeah, I bet you have, and I bet it didn't fucking work either. He's too handsome to be autistic. I mean, wow, these comments are just I mean, I was I was super shocked how how viral the carousel has gone, but I was it what that has that that shock that level of shock is nothing has compared me for the comments section of some of the comments that you as parents, and if you're listening to this and you haven't seen the post, I'm sure the comments that I'm reading out probably resonate with you because at some point in your parenting journey you have had if not one, but probably nearly all of these comments said to you. Um you're mollycoddling him or her. I wouldn't let my son out like that, I'd take his shorts away. I mean, wild. Do they know what caused it? Well, obviously, if we know what causes it, it's genetic, but hey ho, oh, he doesn't look autistic seems to be a very, very, very reoccurring theme of a theme of comments, and also they can make eye contact, they can't be autistic. I mean, apart then obviously a few of the trolls like came for me as well, saying, Well, what the fuck do you expect us to say? And I and I I haven't bothered to engage because A, I haven't got the time for it, and B, I just think you're a toit. If you are actually having to comment and stuff like that to people, and you actually can't see what is you know, like it's our job as parents to make other people know what to say, and I'm like, nah, it's not ours, it's people's kindness and empathy to think about, and also their maybe their fucking level of stupidity to really stop and think about what they're saying. I they didn't have that in my day. Denise said that's another one that is you know a very boomery type thing. I would say is you know, that's you know, we didn't have that in my generation, or it wasn't that bad then. Christy Forbes has commented my neighbours, cousins, nephews, teachers, stepmother's cats owner had that. They went gluten and dairy-free, which is I love it. I really, really fucking love it when somebody goes off a mind about autistic kids and then they offer heavy metal detoxes, and it's just you know, heavy metal detoxes, dairy and gluten-free, just absolutely bonkers. It's it's just like this is you know, these, you know, I just sometimes I just do think what goes through people's mind, and it has made me think the last five or six days since the real the thread comments have been popping off. Like, is it people feeling nervous? Do they not know what to say? But instead of saying, and I can only resonate this, like with when my mum died, so many people don't know what to do and don't know what to say when you have a person close to you that dies, and people either you don't hear from them or they just say stupid shit. And I I remember, you know, if if you don't know what to say, just say to someone, you know what, that's really you know, I'm really sorry that that you know that that is not without sounding patronizing, I you know, I'm really sorry that you've had to go through this, I don't know what to say, and if there's anything you want me to do, but people are just really too afraid, I think, to to actually own it that they don't know what the fuck to say. And I think that when you are a parent of an autistic or a child with ADHD, you like you know, everything is water off a duck's back. Do you know what I mean? We are incredibly resilient, we're incredibly thick skinned. And if someone said to me, you know what, Jesse, I just I'm really sorry, like I don't know what to say to you, I'd be like, Fucking hell, mate, that is absolutely fine. Like the fact that you have said that you don't know what to say is even better because it then allows me to be able to educate and teach people what they can say and what is appropriate and what is acceptable. And I just think that sometimes it's the the worst one, you know, the one that really pisses me off the most is always, always going to be, oh, you know, we're all a little bit on the spectrum. You'd be really surprised. Um, I reckon at least I reckon that's been said to me hundreds of times. Hundreds of times. Another good old one that comes up, especially if you've got a child with PDA. Have you tried a reward chart? Yeah, I've tried a reward chart, thanks, babes. And it's been ripped up and torn out and thrown on the floor. I think I reckon with my PDA, we must have got through at least probably four or five reward charts and sticker charts before I suddenly clocked that that was the fucking trigger, and I was like, nah, not in my house, it's not happening. It causes more dysregulation, but also when schools aren't informed. I just also think that it it I also think that it's quite detrimental when people you know say that they oh you know, but my friend's son had it, but he's grown out of it now. Like, you can't grow out of something. Like this is the other thing, you cannot grow out of a disability, you know, it's a lifelong, it's a lifelong disability. Like that's the end of it. Like that is that is black and white. And again, I do just feel that people are very, very awkward, and and I and I do get it sometimes. I do sometimes feel that people that aren't in, I feel like if I was to go back 10 years before I had the twins, like how autistic, informed was I? I probably was not that autistic. So there's probably high possibility at some point I may have said like something really fucking stupid like this to somebody because I wasn't informed. One of the other ones that literally made me laugh out loud was Have you tried lighting a mood candle? And that came from that was quoted from CAMS Wild. Maybe you could ask for some extra help. I mean, obviously, of course, we would ask for some extra help if there was any extra help to have. I mean, what extra help is there? None. How are you going to prepare them to be an adult a lot? Is another recurring theme. Or he's just a boy. No, he's not just a boy. And then you get twats like this love acceptance, support, and understanding doesn't create strong independent adults. I mean, what a twat. I mean, people obviously it makes you wonder if the person that commented that didn't have love acceptance, support, and understanding to be able to write a comment like that. But hey, we're not gonna start bitching and throwing people out under the thing. But it does make you wonder. Children weren't autistic when I was at school. Obviously, they were, but they were just classed as naughty children, and the majority of them. Somebody said that when their child was stimming, somebody somebody commented on them and said, That noise is annoying. Can you ask them to stop? I mean, these are wild, aren't they? I think everybody giving themselves, and this is a group, this is a really, really great comment here from from one of my followers. I think everyone giving themselves self-diagnosis is becoming a part of the problem. People say to me, Everyone's autistic, they've got ADHD now, everyone's saying that they are. That doesn't mean that they actually are, and it does completely take away from those that actually do struggle daily, and lots don't take it seriously because they assume it's just another person saying that their child is. And I can completely see the validation in here. So many people say, Oh, but I'm undiagnosed, oh, but I'm undiagnosed. And yeah, you might be undiagnosed, but I think there are a lot of people that maybe just you know just say it because maybe they want to they've said something very flippantly, or they've spoken without thinking, or and they just it it they can use it as a sort of a blame exercise, but it's a really, really valid point that have has the self-diagnosis has it diluted sometimes the seriousness that there are people that are undiagnosed. Um, how's life been? And it been up to anything exciting, no, just been surviving, mate. Another one, it's a superpower. What's a fucking superpower? It's not a superpower. I mean, that is one that really grains on me, and also another one for Arfid, it's for the Arfid kids out there. Well, he'll eat if he's hungry. Well, no, it's not. It's not that she's just naughty, which she definitely isn't. Obviously, she is neurodivergent and struggles, obviously. I'm sure she'll grow out of it. He will sleep so well after this. No, he won't. I wouldn't give my kids any medication. Well, they're not your kids, so we don't need it. You know, your kid is your kid, that's a decision that you make, and that you want if you make it, that's your decision, and fair play to you. Oh, do you know what? And I was just thinking then when I was reading through this, I haven't seen one of these for a few days on the comments. What vaccines did you give them? I mean, the vaccine, the heavy metal detox, and the gluten and dairy three free flex seems to be a very good one that people seem quite happy to sort of classify people as. Now, I know mates that have got autistic children that uh their kids are vaccinated, and I've got kids like my children are vaccined, but I've got friends whose kids aren't vaccined, they're all autistic still. Guess what? What a surprise! Because nothing, you can't avoid it. I don't know how you do it again. No, no choice, love, so you've got to fucking get on with it. You've got to have firmer boundaries, gotta have firmer boundaries with these autistic kids, everybody. But you can't allow them to do that. Take the screens away. If they go hungry, they'll eat. Well, obviously they won't. They don't look autistic. Oh, have you tried changing their diet? I think a lot of people read a lot of fake news, and I think this is where a lot of people get these these ridiculous ideologies in their head from that they just feel that you know, instead of doing decisioned, not decisioned, what's the right word? I can't get my words out. Instead of doing instead of doing actual research of autism and ADHD, they just read shit on the internet. So they've got these informed, that's what these informed decisions that they've made that have that have just been, you know, generated online are absolute bullshit. I was in I was in a taxi the other week and my son was really upset and I said, I'm sorry he's autistic. And the driver said, Oh, so you must give him an iPad and let him watch TV all the time when he was younger. We don't let my one-year-old have screen time, so she doesn't get it. Wow. I mean, no, that is insane. Favorites from school, they're fine here, they're fine at school. Wild. Um, and this is what stresses me out. This is why I'm in Manchester for the TES CEN show because even still, that there are still some OTs and EPs, and that people are not trauma informed. And I do feel that if you are an EP or an OT, it it kind of really is your responsibility to a certain degree to be completely neuro-affirming and to be, you know, PDA is a hot topic and it's not going to go away. And I get teachers that may be non-neuroaffirming because they, you know, they've got a lot of children in their class, but it really does, you know, you do need to be, I think, PDA informed if you are an OT or an educational psychologist. You might have a different different opinion if you think it's real or if you think it's not and you think it's bad behaviour or it's ODD. That's but staying open-minded and seeing the size of both stories and the lived-in experience that parents experience when they have a child with PDA should never ever be taken for granted. Technology seems to be a really common denominator in Kerm terms of blame. I can't believe you're not trying to say autism has increased. Of course it has, it's everywhere. He doesn't look autistic. And yeah, I know that it is, you know, they look normal to me. Don't worry, they'll talk one day. It's just a phase. It's just a phase, guys. When they when your child's just been diagnosed and somebody says, Oh, I'm so sorry. He has autism, how do you get rid of that? He doesn't look autistic, he'll grow out of it. Seriously, why do we have so many autistic I mean this is somebody. Why do we have so many autistic people on the planet these days? You think it's just those jabs they tell us are essential when we're a few weeks old? I don't know if that's a legit question. The error somebody is being snide. I can't tell the difference between that. Why do we have so many autistic people on the planet these days? You think it's those jabs they tell us are all essential with them when we're a few weeks old? I think I'm gonna lit delete his comment because I've got a slight feeling that that's somebody being a dick. They don't look autistic, the diagnosis is way better now. Talking about Joe Rogan and the vaccine lawyer that came out. I've absolutely not got any time for that. Yep, that's a that's a comment of vaccines basically caused it, so he can be fucking deleted straight away off the comments section because I'm not having bullshit like that. See, I've had so many comments. He need I mean, this one is insane. Can you get your child to stop flapping his hands? People will look at him when he's older. Wow. I mean, if a family member said that to me, I think I probably would never speak to them ever again. That would really upset me. I mean, I've got really thick skin and I can kind of let things go. Like my parents, well, my mum's obviously dead, but my dad's in his 70s, my in-laws are in their 70s, and there's a part of me that not that I accept that the fact that there's an element that they may never really fully understand it. My dad is very, very much more laid back. My dad was a mental health nurse for years, so you know, if Maxi calls him a fucking dickhead, he's like, Oh, that's alright, it doesn't bother me. I know I've been called way worse. But I think there's there's an element sometimes, like my in-laws absolutely love my kids, but you know, sometimes the things that they say I just think, oh my god, like listen, this is like that some of the stuff they say is just wild. But I think actually that it comes with a good intention, and it's about them. I feel like I can educate them, and they are a of a kind of generation to a certain extent, but it's it's it it's really wild when people are starting commenting, you know, I don't know how you do it, and I I and I do think a lot of the time it's it's it is one of those I mean there's a disgusting comment on here which I'm not even gonna bother to read out because I'm not giving anybody like that any fucking airtime on my podcast. But if he's not on the spectrum, he can't be on the spectrum, sorry, he looked me in the eyes. Have you tried a mindfulness CD? I mean, a C D fucking hell, what no, we're going back to the 90s now with a CD. Really? She doesn't look it, they have no behaviour issues, but they suffer in silence and they get no help. It's wild. The best one for me was an actual pediatric doctor. Unless your child is a sociopath, he will learn consequences to his actions. Wow. Imagine trying that with a child who's got PDA, you're gonna get something thrown at your head probably quite quickly. This is the other thing sticker charts, consequences, it's all just and it's all a load of shit. And I feel you know, and it for those of you that have maybe never listened to this before, I have a 17-year-old neurotypical, well, nearly 17-year-old neurotypical son. And I think for a very long time, we kind of you know, when it's your first child, you parent very differently to when you've got other children. And even with or without having neurodivergent kids now with the twins, I do feel that the comparison of maybe how we parented my eldest son is it wasn't actually right, like consequences and you know, threats of you know, removing stuff and not like groundings and stuff, but if you don't do that, if you don't do as don't like if you don't do as I say, then you're not doing what you want to do. And I just, as the years have gone on, you know, every single day is an absolute learning day when you've got autistic kids, and I never ever fucking claim to swear that I know it. I'm just a basic bitch mum who has got three kids, has got lived an experience of a child with PDA, who's been in burnout, been through school trauma, had chaotic two years, now he's sort of pretty much thriving. And it's you know, we have good days and we obviously have bad days, but I I do look at the ways that I previously maybe parented my eldest son, and my husband and I were sort of saying last week, we just feel that actually I think maybe if parents were just a little bit more non-disciplinarian, if they were less consequences, because actually I think there's probably quite a lot of adults that you know struggle in adulthood, who struggled in teen in um when they were teenagers, because it was very strict, it was very don't do as I say, not as I do. And actually, I don't think these are the right way to parent kids, neurodivergent or not, or neuro neurotypical. Do you know what I mean? I maybe I'm just completely losing the plot, but I actually do feel that for children to be successful, to feel loved, to get trust, you don't need consequences. Your kids need to feel safe. Doesn't even need to be a kid with PDA. Like obviously, we know with PDA, it's a loss of autonomy, they were it's how they perceive threat, and we want to make them feel safe at all times. But isn't that just the fucking goal with all kids? Isn't that the goal that all children want? Is to feel safe. And for those of you that do know, or maybe you don't know, my eldest, my youngest son, sorry, goes to a specialist school. Now, this one of the children that he shares his transport with has been in in and out of care homes his entire life, and he has had 16 foster parents, 16, and he's fucking 11. Do you know what I mean? And where's the trust, you know, where's his trust gonna be in adults? Where's his love gonna be? And I just think, I mean, it broke my heart when my son came home and told me, oh, he's on his like 15th or 16th set of parents, mum. And I was like, what the hell do you mean? And then he sort of said, Oh, he moves about, and then I obviously suddenly the penny clicked, and I just thought, fucking hell, that is that is so so sad. But anyway, I've gone off on a bit of a waffle now. So let's just have a look through the rest of these comments before I finish up. I just wanted to do this podcast. I just wanted to make everybody feel accepted that you're not the only people or person that has people say mad shit to you. But why do they need a label? You shouldn't let that define them. But he's so smart, they just need discipline. Have you tried karate or group sports? I mean, honestly, did you do anything nice on the weekend? Oh, that one is a classic. Do you have a nice chilled out weekend? Absolutely not. Of course I didn't. I was battling fires. He'll eat when he's hungry. Have you tried a calm bedtime routine? I mean, that it's just absolutely I I mean, I I reading these in the last week have made me feel incredibly accepted that there is a lot of us, thousands of us out there, in fact, that feel have felt like we have been our decision making and our children with autists, you know, that are autistic or have got ADHD have have been questioned and that we're not doing the right things. And I'm here to tell you, you're fucking absolutely smashing it. It's it's hard work, it's hard going. But I think this is the great thing about having a community, is that we all get it. Sorry, I've just read another one that said Einstein couldn't Einstein couldn't talk until he was six. Oh my god. Oh wow, this is well, but yeah, this is about acceptance, and I think, like I said a minute ago, we're very thick skinned, we're very resilient. We've you know, if you've been called a fucking cunt by your own child, absolutely, you know, it's comments from other people, but some it's not to say that those comments sometimes can't hurt. Of course, they're harmful and they can be hurtful and they can cause issues with maybe family members, but it could be a sibling, it could be your other half, it could be in-laws, it could be grandparents, because it it is upsetting when people don't really understand. I mean, there's and I think you know, I've got I've got ADHD, and I think I say a lot of things without thinking, hence, you know, the Karen poster of saying things, you know. In hindsight, I probably should have thought about that and thought, you know, there's probably gonna be at least four or five Karen that follow me on Instagram that are gonna probably be highly offended by this. But you know, I that I'm first person to hold my hand up and say if I fucked something up. But it's the I think it's the ignorance sometimes when people say really stupid things about autistic and ADHD kids that they feel awkward and they just instead of saying, Oh, you know what, it's it's one of those that it's like where do we go from here? Like how can we how can we educate people more? And it's about talking about it, it's about sharing it, constantly sharing it, and constantly talking it. Like never be afraid to talk about your child and how amazing they are. I mean, I just did a post today about I do feel like sometimes when I'm doing my own Instagram posts, I'm very, it's very one-sided of things to things that my PDA does that I find that hard work, or you know, and I don't want my Instagram page to be like that. I want my page to also never forget that kids with PDA are fucking awesome and they have some, you know, so many amazing and wonderful traits. They're funny, they're loving, they're caring, they have got a wicked sense of humour, they are great at creative, you know, at drawing, at building. They never forget things, they are incredibly hilarious, and I just think your kids are wonderful, and basically, just don't listen to the shit that people say. And if you do listen to them and it really upsets them, and it upsets you by what they've said, just say, you know what? I really need you to look and word, look at how you reword that, and look at it through a different lens, look at it through my lens. This is my life, and this is what we have to go through day in and day out. And I find your comments really hurtful. So that's it for today. I am, like I said, in a hotel room in Manchester alone, no kids. I mean, what a fucking time to be alive. I'm off to the TESN show tomorrow with the amazing Charlie from Eurospicy, one of my favourite people in the entire world, and also one of my other incredibly favourite people is Terry, who is also known as the make the autistic makeup artist, and the lovely Lorna. And we are off there, so that's what we're gonna do. If you are struggling as a parent to a child with PDA and you're thinking, Oh my god, what? I just feel so alone, I'm so stressed, nobody gets it. You need to come and join the PDA parent circle. We are an absolute vibing tribin. The link to it's in the show notes. Come and join, and as I say every single week, please download, rate, and review, and subscribe to the Keeping Shit Real podcast. It really, really helps, and I just love it. So take care, and I'll see you next week, everybody. Love you, bye.